I missed you yelling at me today. And honestly Handsome, you would have had every reason to. Not the kind of yelling most people think of when they think of yelling, but your kind of yelling, the yelling that came from a place of concern, not anger.
“Really, Beautiful?! C’mon Stac. (You didn’t call me Stac often, but when you did, it always seemed to fit the occasion.) You know you can’t add oil to the car and not put the oil cap back on? Oil is going to go everywhere, just like it did. What were you thinking, Beautiful? C’mon Baby, you can’t be doing things like that?”
I could hear you. Word. for. word. I knew what you would say if you would have been here to say it. And, yet – in my defense, if you would have been here, none of this would have happened:
Oil dripping from every square inch of everyplace that is under the hood of our car. Oil lakes (not puddles) on the floor of our garage. Texts between me and my two sisters to figure out what to do next. Tears running down my hot, sweaty, oily cheeks. Me at the carwash degreasing and cleaning the engine. Me pouring kitty litter into the oil lakes in our garage. Me thanking my sisters for their advice. Tears still running down my hot, sweaty, oily cheeks.
Five months today. And, while others are celebrating the 4th of July with fireworks, I started my day off with yet another reminder that you aren’t here.
Not here. I don’t think I am ever going to get used to that. And each time a reminder hits me, it knocks me completely off my feet, completely on my back, completely down for the count.
It’s not that oil all over the place is a big deal, because in reality it isn’t. Messy, yes. Frustrating, yes. Embarrasing, yes. But, a big deal, no – not really. The overwhelming of it stems not from what is, but rather, what isn’t.
I can handle what’s here. Like, two weeks ago when the motor on our air conditioner went out. After three days and nights of dealing with temps in the 100’s, a repairman came and fixed it. Voila. No big deal. And yet, standing in my office, crying my heart out to a co-worker, I couldn’t seem to explain to her that the air conditioner wasn’t the problem. You not being here to take care of it was. You not being here, period. This was what had me standing there telling her over and over again, “I’m not this strong. I’m not strong enough to do this.” Not fix the air conditioner, but live without you.
And, honestly Handsome, if you would have been in my office that day, I would have heard you yelling at me then, too. Not the yelling most people think of when they think of yelling, but your kind of yelling, the yelling that came from a place of concern, not anger.
“Really, Beautiful?! C’mon Stac. (Stac would have fit this occasion, too.) You know you can’t give up on living just because I’m not there to live life with you. You know you can’t keep thinking you aren’t strong enough to handle this. If you keep this up, what’s going to happen? What are you thinking, Beautiful? C’mon Baby, you can’t be doing things like that?”
I could hear you. Word. for. word. I knew what you would say if you would have been there to say it.
And, I know it’s true. Every word you would have said if you could. It’s all true. And yet, I don’t know how to move past the truth in them to the living them. I honestly don’t, Handsome.
“C’mon, Stac. It’s not hard. It’s really not. Just do it, Baby. Just get out there and live. Five months have come and gone. Five months, Beautiful. You know how precious each day is. You know what a gift God gives us in each moment. You know what God created you to do and be. Just keep doing what you were doing. Just keep answering His call, following His lead, and trusting His goodness. Just keep living each day for Him, Beautiful. Not me, but for God. I was the one God chose for you to share life with, but He’s the one you should be living life for. Ok, Beautiful? Do it for Him. And, do it for me. I don’t want your life to end just because my time on earth did. Ok, Baby? C’mon Stac. Just do it. Let God’s Spirit set you free to live, truly live. Please, Beautiful. Live every moment.”
I let your words soak in. And His words, too.
“I have come that you might have life, and have it more abundantly.” John 10:10
“Now the Lord is the Spirit. Where the Spirit of the Lord is, people are set free.” 2 Corinthians 3:17
It’s getting dark. It’s almost time for fireworks. If you don’t mind, Handsome, I think I’ll put this laptop away, and go drive to our favorite spot for watching them.
If only I could watch them with you. If only I could.