When Peace Rained Down~

I sat in the floor of the hallway, my hand doing what the rest of me wanted to do – rubbing this space of carpet where you last were, hoping so desperately to be able to touch you instead of these woven fibers. In my mind’s eye, I could see you there, and I longed to hug you, to reach my hand out to you and lift you back up to your feet.  To hold you and be held by you.  To bury my head in your neck and be engulfed by your scent and wrapped in your arms.

But instead, I found myself alone with carpet, an empty doorway leading to the bathroom, and a whole lot of questions and a heart spilling over with wishes.  And, I cried.  And, then I moaned.  And, then my sorrow turned to out loud wailing.  I couldn’t stop it.  How do you suppress a force stronger than the ocean?  So, I let it all out.  For the umpteenth time since you’ve been gone, Handsome, I sat where you were last and I wept til I could hardly breathe.

Only today, Handsome, I didn’t weep alone.  As I surrendered to the weight of my missing you and rolled off of my knees onto my back, looking up at the ceiling, I heard it.  Sprinkled in with my sobs, I could hear the pitter-patter of rain drops on the skylight in the bathroom.  And, I knew down in the deepest place of my heart, this wasn’t a brief afternoon shower, this was the very God of Heaven weeping with me.

It brought me to my feet and straight out to the patio.  As the droplets fell from the sky, so did my tears.  For the first time since you’ve been gone, God and I cried together.  His sorrow not removed from my own, but right there in the hallway and right there on the patio with me.

And I remembered the story of Lazarus and the tears God wept then.  Not tears because He was supposedly too late and Lazarus was dead, but tears that flowed from a heart overcome with the sorrow spilling out of the hearts of Lazarus’ sisters, Mary and Martha.  The very same God who knew in the next few moments Lazarus would walk in newness of life wept tears with those who wept.  He was touched by their sorrow.  And tonight – like I’m sure every moment since you’ve been gone, God was touched by my sorrow.  I know because my spirit  – which is home to His Spirit in me – testified to this very fact.

And the comfort that came as my tears intermingled with these droplets of Heaven can not be explained.  There is not a word in this world to capture the moment, to describe the communion, to adequately convey the immersion of my sorrow into His and His into mine.

The Most High God came to me in my most low moment and wept with me.  Not tears because He was supposedly too late and you are gone, but tears that flowed from a heart overcome with the sorrow spilling out of my heart.  The very same God who knows in the blink of an eye this life will be over and we will be together face to face for all eternity wept tears with me while I wept.

Our creator God, the very one who bent low and scooped dust in His hands to form the first man, remembered I am dust.  The Breath of Life, the very one who breathed into each of us the breath of life, knew how sorrow and death and separation from you makes taking my next breath feel impossible sometimes.  Our Abba Daddy, the very one who loves me with a love that knows no end, who understands my heart like no one else, and who understands the true extent and depth of my grief, felt my overwhelming sorrow.

He remembered.

He knew.

He felt.

And, He wept with me.

And then, the great I am, oh so gently, and yet, oh so very powerfully, reminded me of this truth:

Resurrection and Life 2-

And, as the raindrops and the tears flowed down my cheeks, my praise flowed upward and outward from a heart overflowing with hope and thanksgiving.  They met in the middle – sorrow and praise, grief and thanksgiving – and out of their union, peace rained down.

Beautiful peace.

Not the peace the world gives, but the peace that can only be found in the blessed hope we have in and through Jesus Christ, our Lord.

What a precious moment.  What a precious Savior.

If only you could have been here to feel it.  If only you could.

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5 thoughts on “When Peace Rained Down~

  1. What a beautiful testimony of how God comforts us in our loss. It has been 10 years since my husband slipped away and there are still times when I have to do the same thing you described so vividly, go to the place where he last laid his head and cry out to God and just as He comforted you, He comforts me. I know my Savior Lives and He feels my pain as well. Praise God for this gift He gave you, even though you don’t realize it, your healing is taking place right now. Lifting you in Prayer, Stacy, thanks for your honesty.

  2. Your writing has been so powerful. I wish… I could sit and have tea with you and just talk. My good friend was widowed and every Friday night I sat with her, we had wine, we chatted about ‘the old days’, I let her talk about the loneliness and the empty bed. I listened. Then went home to my husband. It is hard I KNOW it is hard. In fact she taught me never to complain. I wanted to grump about my husbands socks on the floor, and she said “I would welcome that.”… so it is all in perspective.
    Keep writing. You are helping others. You really are.

  3. Unbearably healing and beautiful. Immanuel, indeed. Thank you for this gift to us through your pain. Praying for you.

  4. Thank you so much for your posts. So many times you put in words the feelings of my heart. It is 4 1/2 months now since my husband suddenly passed on and it is still so hard, and I to, find myself on the floor in the hallway where he took his last breath crying my heart out in loneliness and missing him so very much. I am so thankful for the Lord Jesus. He was a man of sorrows and knows our grief. He is the great Comforter and Healer. May your heart find comfort and healing His presence. And please keep writing!! Love, Joanna Horner

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