For All Eternity~

The list is long – so very long, Handsome.

All the things I want to ask you.  All the things I want to tell you.  All the things  I know you would get a kick out of if I could just share them with you.

I have a feeling, when I am finally reunited with you in Heaven, I am going to talk your ear off. I know. I know, Handsome.  I can almost see you smiling and shaking your head as if to say, “Of course you are. It’ll be like starting up right where we left off.  You talking and me listening. Well, most of the time, me listening.”  And then, I can see you wink – that ever-present wink that always left me smiling and shaking my head.

The things on the list are not anything news-worthy, Handsome, at least not by the world’s standard. But, they are on the tip of my heart and things I just feel the need to tell you.

Like,

  • This morning while I was sitting out on the patio, I saw the most beautiful yellow butterfly.  I know it must be kin to the one you always saw when you would be out piddling around in the yard.
  • I ran out of my flavored coffee, so I have been drinking your dark roast. And while I hate to admit it, you’re right!  Your coffee IS so much better than mine.
  • The city finally showed up and fixed our water meter.  I guess when they say they’ll get around to it, they eventually do.  It took over a year, and quite honestly, I had forgotten all about it needing fixing until they showed up.  You would have remembered months ago and called them about it.
  • I got out your weed eater and worked in the yard for about three hours last Friday.  And, I just have to ask:  When you did the yard, did your arms feel tingly and full of twitches hours after you finished?  You never mentioned it if they did.  And, even though I know I said it each time you came in from a  “yard well done”, I want so much to tell you again – thank you.
  • Speaking of the yard, I’ve got some sad news.  I don’t think the new Fugi apple tree you bought for me last year survived its first summer.  (You have no idea how hard it was to type that sentence.) I can still see the huge smile on your face when you came into the house that night. “Hey Beautiful, come see what I’ve got for you!” And there in the back of your truck, my very own Fugi apple tree.  It was a hotter than normal summer, and when life took me away from home weeks at a time, I think it must have felt the loneliness I feel here. This, along with the heat and no one here to water it, was just too much for its brand new roots to overcome.  I’m so sorry, Handsome.  I really am.
  • On a happy note – the turtles are still keeping me company.  For a few weeks there, I thought maybe they had dug themselves a secret passage way into the neighbor’s yard, but now that the weather is cooler and we are getting afternoon and evening rains, they are trucking around all over our yard.
  • I don’t know why, Handsome, but lately I’ve been feeling “scared”.  Not scared in any way that I can assign words to, just scared in general, I guess. I was texting with Simon the other day (who by the way, still remembers the first time he met you at the church – a Bible in one hand and a football in the other!) and he reminded me fear is from Satan and not God.  He asked me point blank: what is it that you are scared of, Stacy?  The only answer I know: scared of life without you, Handsome.
  • I’m doing ok, though.  I really am.  Not good, but ok. I had a hair appointment yesterday and, as always, it was good to sit in Leah’s chair and pour out my heart (and some tears).  We are such kindred spirits and it’s amazing how our journeys are so different and yet in some ways so very alike.  We reminded each other that God always has a purpose and He is always at work, and sometimes what happens to us has less to do with us and more to do with those who are watching us live out our life. To honor God in all seasons – it’s a hard calling, and yet,  with God living inside us and through us, living to honor God comes easier than we might imagine.
  • I had a speaking engagement Monday night and guess what I talked about.  Yep!  You, Handsome.  I told our story – how you had been touched by the Holy Spirit in Phoenix and fell head over heels in love with God.  And, how I met you and fell head over heels in love with not only you, but God, too.  How together we lived with God as the “difference maker” in our life.  How a few short months ago, I lost you, but because of the relationship I now have with God I was able to stand before them and testify of God’s goodness, to tell of God’s faithfulness, to stand before them, period. Afterwards, a lady came up to me and said, “You are a picture of grace. I’ve never seen grace in anyone like I see it in you.”  And, I know Handsome, that what she saw when she looked at me was God’s favor – God’s abundant, extravagant favor – for truly you and I were blessed beyond measure in and through Christ Jesus, our Lord.

Oh, so much to tell you, Handsome.  So much to share.  So much to ask.  So much to pray about.  So much to talk through.  So much on the tip of my heart.

And, I can almost hear you and the words you would say  – – –

“Tell it to, God, Beautiful.  When you’re tossing in bed and you can’t sleep, whisper it to God like you used to whisper it to me.  When you’re wresting with a decision, take it to God, Baby. He alone is all knowing, all wise.  Just like we used to pray about decisions together, you and God can still talk things through.  When you’re feeling scared, Beautiful, (please don’t be scared, Baby) remember you are never alone.  GOD IS WITH YOU.  He’s right there, Stac. Let Him hold you and comfort you.  Let Him infuse you with strength in your inner man.  Open up the pages of His word and let His promises uphold you and His precious Spirit empower you.  Take everything you want to tell me and tell it to God, Baby. I know you probably are, but don’t ever stop.  Keep your eyes and your heart focused on Him.  He is everything and all that you need, Beautiful. Oh, and while I’m at it – one more thing: Enjoy, Baby! Enjoy! Enjoy every moment of every day, Beautiful.”

Night Time with God~

Yes, when I get to Heaven, your ears better be ready, Handsome. I have a feeling I could talk to you and our precious God for all eternity.

If only I could talk with you now.  If only I could.

 

 

It’s August~

August hit today, and with it came a brand new flood of missing you.  In December we always celebrated me, and then in January, I got to return the party and celebrate you.  August was the best, though, because it was our month.

Every year, when August rolled around, our love just seemed to get sweeter.  There was just something about knowing separately, yet uniquely together, that this month was the month that had changed everything that made us look at each other a little flirtier, a little longer, a little more deeply.

August is the month that made me your Mrs. and you, my Mr.  August is the month that found us rolling around in Holy Matrimony and loving every minute of it.  August is the month that found us strolling along the River Walk in San Antonio and fishing off of Padre Island.  August in the month where “his and hers” took on a whole new crazy, wild, never experienced before meaning.

August was our month.  The month we waited for all year long.  The month in which, no matter what was happening or what day of the week it landed on, we both took time off from work on the 7th (and sometimes, even the day before and the day after) just to celebrate remembering the day we said “I do”.

It’s August 1, Handsome.  August 1.  What am I supposed to do with that?  Soon it will be August 4 which will mark 6 months that you’ve been gone.  Then, a few days beyond that, August 7, our anniversary.

All day long I wrestled with pushing aside any memories tied to this month. In fact, I fought to focus on anything but this month, but my heart wouldn’t cooperate. Somehow, this seemed to my heart to be the most disrespectful, unloving thing to do and it would have no part of it.

So, following the lead of my heart, tonight, when I should have been getting ready for bed, I was sitting in the middle of our living room floor, looking at all of our wedding pictures, wiping one tear after another after another. Oh how my heart ached.  It physically ached for you, Handsome.  And, I heard in the back of my mind, “You just have to ride it out, Beautiful. You just have to ride it out.”

It’s what you always said to me when I would find myself in a tight spot, in a place that made my heart hurt, in a place that was a place I had no control over.

Only tonight, riding it out didn’t sound like something I wanted to do.  Not one bit.  As the words kept making their way to my heart, my heart stubbornly refused to hear them, all the while shaking itself side to side as if to say “NO!”

So, hear I sit, Handsome.  It’s almost midnight and I’m doing the only thing I know to do.  I’m praying to our precious Heavenly Father to help me through. As I sit in the still of the night, I keep hearing His sweet Spirit saying “You just have to write it out, Stacy.  You just have to write it out.”

As I type on the keyboard, I start to breathe a little easier.  As I talk with The One who gave you to me, I feel a comfort and a peace that holds back my tears long enough to type without blurry vision or a wet keyboard.  As I reminisce about our month, a bittersweet joy starts to emerge from the overwhelming sorrow.

And I look at this photo and I realize more than ever how very blessed I am.

Wedding Day

I loved.

And, I was loved. (Oh, how you loved me.)

This will always be true no matter what is happening – whether it’s August or not, whether it’s the day of our anniversary or not, whether you are here or not.

I loved you.

You loved me.

Always and forever.

If only I could feel your hand in mine again.  If only I could feel the gentle brush of your lips on my skin.  If only I could tell you just once more how proud I am to be your wife, to be your Mrs., to wear your name, to have shared your life.

If only I could, Handsome.  If only I could.